


The Apocalypse, A History

by KeanBlade



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate History, Apocalypse, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-08 23:11:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19877632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeanBlade/pseuds/KeanBlade
Summary: As written by Naunet Atum PHD





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not plagiarize 
> 
> Copyright @2019

1\. A Beginning

_The First Seal_

In the end there was a sort of odd symmetry to it, a kind of cosmic karma, the discharge of the metaphorical smoking gun, or the final foreshadowing of the foreshadowing. Of course not everyone noticed; many people were, contrary to popular opinion, simply too optimistic[1] Those who were pessimistic enough to be convinced, contrary to survival instincts, that there was just nothing they could do about it were given the odd privilege of having what might very well be the last laugh.

And laugh they did, though admittedly in the sort of wry, bitter fashion their pessimism would allow, because there was just something delightful about the idea that the pessimists – so commonly chastised for not understanding that the universe had a greater meaning, and that it was the question not the answer that mattered, and that really, in the end it was all unknowable and beyond our ken, so cheer up! – being the only ones who really noticed the fact that contrary to years of scientific and inspirational conviction, the universe really was that simple. There was no great question or unknowable answer, and even “42” was quite simply a more convoluted answer than was really necessary. [2]

So, while the pessimists had the last laughs and a few arsenic-laced cocktails, the rest of the world had a tizzy. In the fashion of humanity everywhere, the greatest complaints about the Apocalypse were the sudden increase in the waterfowl population and the distinct lack of “rain of fire” or even just apocalyptic fire in general. Indeed, there was a distinct lack of appropriately apocalyptic elemental temper tantrums. But apocalyptic fire, and the lack thereof, was definitely the most contested element of the Apocalypse; it created passionate and vocal protesters, completely dedicated to creating change. The obvious problem was that no one quite knew where one would stage a protest about the lack of fire in the Apocalypse, which led to a distinctly disorganized movement; some quiet groups gathered in the forest and created giant bonfires while others stormed religious sites[3], and one large group – mostly comprised of the calendarist movement dedicated to discovering the date of the Apocalypse through the analysis of ancient calendars, which notably created quite a fuss when an ancient Mayan cartoon wall calendar ran out in 2013 – gathered in front of office-supply stores everywhere. This had the efficient advantage of allowing them to protest simultaneously the lack of apocalyptic signs (namely, fire) as well as the high price of printer ink; they had rather more success with the former than the latter.

Still, despite lack of dramatic apocalyptic signs, be they biblical, scientific, old religion, or psychic warnings, it was generally agreed upon that this was the Apocalypse. Indeed, a summit was held in Rome just make sure that everyone was on the same page. The pope invited every major religious figure, the most notable names in the scientific community, world political leaders (with their accompanying journalists), and one or two comedians (for expert opinion) to the summit. The official transcript from the secretary of the summit read: “So, this is The Apocalypse?” (Pause) “Yup, looks like it.” (Pause) “Well, shite.” However, considering that the summit lasted for 40 days and 40 nights one can assume that the secretary understandably did not expect that a word-perfect transcript of the Apocalypse would be necessary for the future generations, and anyway it must've been rather hard to hear over all the quacking (the ducks got everywhere). Either that or 39 days and 40 nights were spent getting stupid drunk and potentially trading small countries in a global game of Risk.

With the official confirmation of the Apocalypse came the expectation that governments would do something. This left the governments in a tough position. The government of the USA was in this respect at least marginally ahead of the rest of the world, except perhaps Australia, because in the political quagmire of the 20-teens a project known as 4/1 Day was developed as a way to keep government officials from strangling members of the Houses, Senate, and Congress. 4/1 Day was a set of protocols developed for circumstances of extreme unlikelihood, the basic premise of which was that one branch of the government would come up with a disaster, the president would okay it, and the other branches would start putting together contingency plans for said disaster. The branch that put together the most effective/entertaining policy, won.

The USA's 4/1 Day protocols were extremely thorough, including contingency plans for such disasters as:

  * World War Z
  * Nuclear Warfare (this plan was noticeably shorter than the rest)
  * Extraterrestrial first contact
    * Violent
    * Nonviolent
    * Building a road
  * Discovery of magic
  * AI takeover – Terminator situation
  * Abrupt collapse of habitable atmosphere/global warming
  * Explosion of the Sun/Black hole
  * Zombie invasion
  * Apocalypse:
    * Judeo-Christian
    * Buddhist
    * Norse
    * Egyptian
    * World flood/fire/earthquake/tornado
    * _(there were slots intentionally left blank for more religions)_
  * Spontaneous combustion



One has to applaud the way in which the violent urges of the American government officials planned for every contingency except, aptly one might say, the one that came to pass. In their defense, no other government was better prepared, excepting only the Australians; indeed, when faced with the baffling reality of the Apocalypse, quite a few governments quite simply lost their heads. No government quite knew how to deal with the sudden influx of waterfowl on their own. So the summit at Rome (now called the Apocalyptic Committee) and the UN convened to discuss possible responses to the sudden influx of waterfowl; unfortunately, plans to decrease the suddenly increasing population through forced decreasing measures were derailed by the theological argument that “As the sudden quantity of waterfowl is perhaps one of the most noticeable sign of the Apocalypse, it would, perhaps, be best not to screw with it until we know what the fuck is going on.” 

While the convened world leaders struggled with paralyzing bafflement and an inability to keep feathers from getting everywhere, the common man came to a greater accord than had ever been seen in recorded history, mostly prompted by the abrupt lack of religious arguments – that and the fact that the Apocalypse was on and that makes everything else seem rather trivial, don't you think? Funny how all it takes is a little bit of disaster to promote goodwill. But enter into a dimly lit bar, with the smell of beer and wet feathers, the quiet baffled muttering of everyday conversation, the quiet soundtrack of endless quacking, and then as you walk up to the bar you see a group with members from every religious sect – Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindu, even a pagan or two for fun, all talking and sympathizing with the mutual empathy that only greater frustration with a Higher Power can promote, because all religions were united in this: there was a Higher Power[4], and that whatever/whoever he/she/it/they were, was a dick.

[1] Thinking you could do something about the Apocalypse was definitely optimistic.

[2] Although, due to their lack of optimistic survival instincts, none of the pessimists stuck around long enough for their realization to be recorded, it was generally agreed upon by those closest to them that the answer was either “meh,” “what the fuck?” or “nom, nom.”

[3] While being very careful not to deface anything - no need to make Him, whoever He was, angry if the Apocalypse was on.

[4] Even the atheists were beginning to be swayed. Honestly the laws of nature always had cause-and-effect, so only something that was omni-everything could come up with something that was so omnirandom.


	2. 2. A Religious Accord

_The Second Seal_

Things like the precise identity of the Higher Power seem a lot less important when said higher power is releasing waterfowl into your bedroom at one in the morning on the only night your children aren’t home. So perhaps that is the true reason that upon entering into such a conversation one of the most beloved would like to share. Among some circles, noticeably housewives of the desperate variety, duck recipes had become something of a precious commodity; something to be jealously guarded and shared only with the most trusted allies – after all if they have the recipe they might make it, which would lessen the waterfowl in their yard but not in yours –clearheaded thinking was not at an all-time high.

However, let us return for the moment to the conversation at hand. As was common nowadays, talk had turned to apocalyptic signs, and, as was also common, the depressing lack of rain of fire and blood was once again being bemoaned (though perhaps rather more attention was paid to fire then blood). It was at this moment that an enterprising pagan - one of an unusual heritage, since his father was a devout worshiper of the Spaghetti Monster and his mother was a former Scientologist - quietly piped up that it really was a pity about the lack of locusts and the depressing absence of the Four Horsemen because, “The were really always my favorite part of the Judeo-Christian Apocalypse.” This statement was followed by a stunned silence (one that made the waterfowl and our enterprising pagan rather nervous) before one horrified member of the group cried out, “Oh dear God[1], where _are_ the Four Horsemen!?!?!?!?!”

The realization that no one had considered the whereabouts of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spread like wildfire (not, let it be noted, apocalyptic fire, which didn’t spread at all). The general opinion of psychiatrists on this phenomenon was that at this point humanity was so desperate for something about the Apocalypse to be terrifying that they were quite willing to latch onto the idea that because they couldn't find the terrifying thing, it was clearly far more terrifying.

Well, that and Twitter. Humanity across the globe had been universally relieved that one of the signs of the Apocalypse did not appear to be the collapse of the Internet. However, some fringe radical groups had taken this as a sign that it was not in fact the Apocalypse; never mind the lack of apocalyptic fire – that wasn't proof of anything. What _was_ proof was that the most total annihilation of humanity imaginable was the collapse of the Internet, and since that had yet to happen the Anti-Alarmists, as they liked to call themselves (although they were more popularly called the Internuts), argued fiercely against the reality of the Apocalypse. They kept insisting that since it wasn't the Apocalypse perhaps everyone should just go home, get a good night’s sleep and go back to work in the morning. This was generally considered an insane idea and completely discredited. For all that the Anti-Alarmists were wrong and it really was the Apocalypse, they actually had a rather good point: given that no one knew what was going to happen next, perhaps a good night’s sleep would at least be a decent start.

Let us return to the Four Horsemen. Eventually even the governments could no longer ignore the mass hysteria about the Four Horsemen; there were a few places that escaped any real pressure to do something, like Australia and Russia, where it was generally agreed that if the Horseman did show up no one would notice since it might take them some time to find someplace inhabited. Many more governments lobbied for the reconvening of the AC (Apocalyptic Committee) to discuses the issue. The Secretary remained unheard when arguing that they just wanted another reason to get drunk together; apparently some national arguments were very funny drunk.

For all the fervor about locating the Hoursmen, when they did actually arrive almost no one noticed, and indeed the only person who knew was a gnarled barkeep in Outlook, Montana (population 47) at an old-fashioned western bar where, apparently, the apocalyptic harbingers liked to drink. Thus it was that on a dusty afternoon Plague walked into a bar.

[1] This pronouncement in and of itself led to rolling eyes in the younger members of the group because the rather more common saying was “Oh dear HP”. The older set had simply refused to take this on as it made them feel that they were referring to a computer company.


	3. 3. A Revelation

_The Third Seal_

_(6/8/15)_

Old Tom was a bartender of the old tradition; he had been trained by his predecessor in this very bar (which may or may not have been around forever, no paperwork could be found. Like, none, nada, zip, and there was always paperwork). And he still kept his trusty shotgun underneath the bar. He was a relic of an era where bartender was the most important position in a town, when the not-so-secret society of bartenders (who were well aware that the best place to hide something was in plain sight) was the highest law. Unfortunately, that grand tradition has since faded away into obscurity, and Old Tom was but a last gasp of that glorious time.

This is the account of the ride of the Four Horsemen that Old Tom wrote up and sent to nowhere by way of a Morse code machine that no longer connected to anything.

It was on a dusty afternoon tha’ Plague walked inta m’ bar. ‘E was a well-mannered being; left ‘is horse ground tied outside o’ the bar, a white stallion, a nice piece o’ horse flesh if ever there were one. ‘E tipped his crown as ‘e came in, though as there was no ladies i’the room ‘e left it on. ‘E hung ‘is scales on the coat rack and wait’d by t’e door. ‘E didn’t ‘ave to wait fur long b’fore a large thunderin’ of horns heralded the arrival of ‘is friends. Two of ’em had arrived together this time an’ War leapt from his horse b’fore t’e animal ‘ad stopped (a nice beast, though not a majestic as t’e white one, w’th heavin’ flanks and foam on ‘is red coat) and burst though the doors ahead of Famine, who swore in words t’ make The Lord proud. (‘Is horse was black an’ a sadder nag I ‘aven’t seen since the Duchess of Pinsbroke road through town. Still, Famine’s black steed was nothin’ but skin and bones.)

“Do you have to always arrive before me, for Lucifer’s sake, just once, just bloody once, I’d like to be heralded second”

“Ah, come on now! That would be an awful break with tradition!” War sounded like a **man** in a way tha’ made ’erybody else sound like a little girl. Was down right embarrassin’. But ‘e leaned ‘is highlander sword (Ah’m not totally b’hind th’ times!) ‘gainst th’ wall next t’th’ scales and nodded ‘is bloody helm in m’ah direction nice as you please. (Famine grumbled th’ whole time ‘e carelessly arrang’d ‘is bow on th’ coat hanger.)

“Plague! Or do you go by Pestilence now?! Or have you gone back to good old Conquest?!” Ah don't think War could talk withou’ boomin’.

“Plague, will do fine, thank you, my good man; it is still the easiest to say. Now we are just waiting on Death.”

“We are always waiting on Death. Why the bugger can’t ‘e be on time for once? Even Behemoth thinks he takes a long time.”

_“No one rushes Death, Famine. Death is never late, it always arrives exactly when it intends to.”_ An’, well, tha’ echoin’ voice was really quite satisfyin’. ‘Is horse was an odd one, though, a weird greenish-yellow odd pallid ashy color. ‘E dropped ‘is scythe by th’ door an’ wandered over t’ mah bar.

_“A mint julep please, extra mint.”_ Apparently that’s what Death drinks, bit of a let-down.

“A glass of shaved ice” fur Famine.

“Whatever moonshine you have got on hand, just bring the whole bottle, there’s a good chap.” fur Plague.

“…..a cosmo.” Turns ou’ tha’ when th’ Horsemen of th’ Apocalypse get quiet, it gets real quiet; that quiet ‘ung like a soaked ‘orse blanket tha’ you ‘ave to put away on th’ top peg.

“Well, War,” Plague seemed t’be takin’ it best- Famine jus’ ‘ad ‘is ‘ead in ‘is ‘ands - “At least you are not ordering ‘Sex-on-the-beach’ anymore.” Death snickerin’ is’ no’ sound Ah am keen on hearin’ again anytime soon.

“Oh, laugh it up, Yorick!” War was goin’ red as ‘is horse.

Around this point the transcription gets hard to read and only a few fragments remain decipherable; another casualty to the waterfowl epidemic. What is decipherable is faithfully reproduced here.

“And then, and then he says, ‘I can be just as infamous as you’ and blam, Ebola, only that didn’t really go anywhere, did it, a one-week wonder” Famine is beginnin’ t’ get a bi’ unruly th’ more ‘e doesn't drink ‘is ice; bu’ ah can’t exactly cut ‘im off of nothin’.”

“Yeah?! Well you’ve started quoting Gandalf! What happened, run out of Shakespeare!?”

_“Just because I am the only one that actually got mentioned by name is no reason to get in a huff.”_

“Oh, and you were? My dear fellow, you must remember that you brought up the rear. I must say, that as the first of our number I rather think I made quite the impression; after all, they did call me Conquest for a reason.”

“Yes, and now they call you Plague, bit of a step down, don’t you think”

_“No legacy is so rich as honesty.”_

“That doesn’t make sense. Have you been waiting to use that quote? If so, now is not the time – it still makes no sense”

_“Knock, knock,”_

“Who’s there?!”

_“Death.”_

_“_ Death who!”

_“Death come to kill you.”_

“That is not at all funny, old chap….”

“ _Knock, knock.”_

“Who’s there?”

_“….. A chicken.”_

_“_ A chicken who?”

_“What, all my pretty chickens, and their dam, /At one fell swoop?”_

“I give up.”

“Which came first the chicken or the egg”

“Oh, come now everyone knows that: the dinosaurs of course.”

“Ah, pardon me bu’ tha’ wasn’t an option.” I’ was th’ progression from [here the text is blurred and hard to read] tha’ had left me with th’ urge t’ break th’ monotony a’ least a’ little, even if it mean’ talkin’ th’ patrons; we ‘adn’t even ‘ad a good tumbleweed roll past in th’ last few ‘ours.

“Oh Tom, my good fellow, that is rather the point.”

“.......... Can y’ bring mah tumbleweed back? Only, it’s awfully borin’ an’ not nearly as atmospheric withou’ it.”

“You know, I have not seen any go by for quite some time, now that you mention it. How disappointing. I am rather found of a good tumbleweed myself; I once spent three decades just watching a ghost town to see them blow past. Of course eventually I ran out of tumbleweed and someone simply had to win The War so off I went. Still, it is a treasured memory.”

This is the last truly legible part of the text, unless you count the next page; which is only slightly readable and, one could argue, probably irrelevant. In the name of academic thoroughness we have included it here:

“Its rider he rode out as given a crown, and he rode out as a crown, and held a bow, and he rode out as a bow, and there me was a conqueror before bent on conqueror bent on conquest.

“I looked, and there bent on conqueror bent on conqueror before bent on conquest.”

“ I looked, and there before bent on conqueror before before before bent on conqueror before me was a white horse! Its rider held a white horse! Its rider he rode out as a bow, and he was given a conqueror before bent on conqueror bent.[1]

“To him was given and to take men power was given slay earth another earth and to take men power horse came out, a fiery red one. Its rider to take men a large sword.

“Then and to make peace from ther. To him was given power to take men slay peace from there was given power was given another earth and to take men power was given slay each other peace from there. To him was given slay earth and to take men power to take men a fiery red one. Its rider to take men a large sword.”[2]

“Its of scales in his horse! Its rider wages, and. Then I heat four like among create sounded living three quart of barley four like among create fore before before a pair of barley for a black holding create sounded like a voice a black horse! Its rider wages, and. Then I heard what four living the wages, and. Then I heard what sounded like among create for a black holding creatures, saying a day's wage three quarts of scales in his holding, ‘A quart of what sounded like a black horse!’ [3]

“Death, and Hades was named Death, and Hades was named Death, and behind beasts of the earth of the earth.”

“I looked, famine and there behind by sword, and by sword, and plague, and him. They were given power a pale horse! Its rider over a pale horse! Its rider a pale horse! Its of the wild beasts of the was named Death, and plague, and by the earth.”

“I looked, and plague, and Hades was named Death, and him. They were a fourth.”

“I looked, famine and plague, and the earth.”

I looked, and him. [4]

[1] It is believed that this passage is about the first Horseman.

[2] It is believed that this section is about the second Horseman.

[3] It is believed that this section is about the third Horseman.

[4] It is believed that this section is about the fourth and final Horseman.


	4. 4. Harbingers

_The Fourth Seal_

Now, let it be noted that despite the close focus on the Four Horsemen, they were not the only apocalyptic harbingers to make an appearance in the end of days. There were indeed many more; but many of them suffered from the same problem that should have plagued the Horsemen; namely, that it was far easier to erupt through the filament of inanity and stubborn possibility in barren places, places of low population density, where the filament is thin and the membrane of pocket possibilities is small (in a hard practical people, like almost all people in barren places, the filament and membrane find it hard to settle fully over their eyes. They are to used to seeing things as they are and maybe as they might sort of be, and then moving on with their lives). So most sightings of apocalyptic harbingers went unremarked and indeed many were never noticed at all. Such would have been the fate of the Horsemen were it not for Old Tom’s insistence on following old protocols and sending back reports on anything at all unusual to a headquarters that was no longer there[1], without which no record of the event would exist. This turned out best for the Horsemen as well: what good is an apocalyptic harbinger that can’t harbinge?

The difficulty of finding apocalyptic harbingers, and the question as to whether or not we should try, was farther compounded by the question that seemed to weigh heavily on the minds of the authorities: “If a Harbinger arrives in glory to harbinge, and no one is around to see it, did it really harbinge?” And, of course, if Harbinger didn’t harbinger, does it still need to? And if it doesn’t harbinger, can there be an apocalypse? A timid but vigorous librarian from Kerkrade[2] argued that one simply couldn’t go ahead with anything without proper warning, and that it was the harbingers’ responsibility to make sure all warnings and/or harbinges were posted in a public and visible place for a minimum of 10 days.[3] In this case, if all the Harbingers could be avoided then, theoretically, so could the Apocalypse, theoretically.

However, there was a problem in the translation of the theoretically sound hypothesis to the unsound reality; to make the translation work, one would have to know all of the Harbingers (a gargantuan task on its own) throughout History, every last one, and what if there were forgotten ones that people saw? Or if there were ones that could and did occur in a bunch of ways? Or manifested in unforeseen manners? Who’s to say that when a God says, “I will bring down upon you my wrath and fury!” he means blood and fire or just a particularly nasty cold? Or a plague of waterfowl?

In an attempt to face this problem, the AC called upon specialists from every corner of the earth to meet in Greenwich for the first Harbingers Council. It was a momentous occasion. No, really, there was a parade with the attendees on floats dressed to the nines and pulled by the most exotic contraptions people could think of. It was to be both a council and an event (think St. Patrick’s Day meets Mardi Gras at Burning Man) to last a lifetime (though in all fairness that would not be hard with the Apocalypse on the horizon). Greenwich was to be the center of the world[4] until its final doom or – well or any other thing that might happen, no one was sure what that clause meant in the Final Accord.[5] They were fairly sure it wouldn’t matter too much soon anyway, so no one spent much time trying to clarify; or it wouldn’t matter, if the world was fair about the Apocalypse and did the polite thing and exploded sooner rather than later, which it wasn’t and didn’t.

Further evidence of the unfairness of the world was seen (or not seen, more accurately) when a Harbinger appeared in the middle of the parade; the large winged white horse was taken to be a particularly good costume and said Harbinger – who was actually Vishnu's tenth and final avatar, Kalki – was so embarrassed and bewildered by this mistake that he just went along with it.[6] And yet another portent of doom was missed.

Many Harbingers found to their distress that after arriving in this mortal coil they were left with very little to do. For some, the arriving was all they were supposed to do and others were waiting to perform their various duties. Frequently they were waiting for an opposing side to show up, as lots of deities were running late. So when the Cheyenne’s Beaver of Doom showed up to get a feel for things before going to work on chewing through the last bit of the giant pole holding the world up, he found the beginnings of a Harbinger community and became so involved in helping the fledgling group get off the ground that he quite forgot about finishing the pole, which is just as well really, as that might have thrown the whole apocalypse out of whack. Either way, with the Beaver and one of the bird portents[7] at the head of a large Twitter campaign, most Harbingers quickly got the word that there was a bar that they had taken over and could head to if they got bored.

This bar was in Switzerland and Australia (through a little Harbinger physics it quite easily existed in two places at once) and had extensive gambling and card game facilities – and also, good internet. To the disappointment of some, the Four Horsemen never showed up; they were something of minor celebrities in the Harbinger world because of their status as the most well-known of Harbingers; unless you counted Gabriel, which was a point of contention because he was technically a Herald and therefore didn’t count. Gabriel himself never bothered too much with the argument, as he didn’t really care because he would go wherever he wanted to and there weren’t many who could stop him; and really he was far too busy right now to be paying any attention. Some Harbingers blamed the waterfowl problem on his efforts to put enough obstacles in the way of mortal life to buy him some time to get a sandwich or something. He never actively responded to this claim, but was seen eating a sandwich on the wing looking very harried, which moved a few of the Valkarie to take pity on him and bring him food or give him a lift once in a while.

Despite these facilities some Harbingers began to get antsy, they were not made for inaction, and most had nothing to do. Thus it was that the storm of supernovae began. (This was actually quite reassuring to humanity, which was beginning to really doubt in the awe-inspiringness of their Higher Power(s).) It sounds much more glamorous than it really was: a bunch of bored cosmic powers deciding that it would be a lovely idea to play conkers[8] with stars and tendrils of belief that had come unmoored, which was happening a lot right now. This high-stakes game was played quite close to the Earth in case anyone was called back to do something, which meant the light didn’t really have very far to go at all to reach human eyes. So the sky was lit up in ways that defy words; let us only say that the whole world held its breath, for the first few days, even the first few months, but like all things it lost its charm after a while and the disillusioned populace went back to protesting the general inanity of what should have been a grand occasion.

Poor humanity would have been quite disappointed if they knew that several Harbingers had intended to play dodge ball in the center of the earth, which would have led to a much more exciting terror than a bunch of supernova in your back yard. Gabriel vetoed that on behalf of the collected Higher Powers; it didn’t make him any friends, except for the Antichrist who stood up for him when the grumbling was getting particularly nasty and pointed out that Gabriel couldn’t be exactly thrilled about stopping it as it would have cut down on his work load to have some genuine disaster going on. The Antichrist was sufficiently frightening to get everyone to back off; he was one of the only big powers that was involved on a Harbinger level, as the Christian tradition liked to have hands-on work from their cosmic powers, not just the great power(s) coming along later and giving things a hard shake before calling it good enough to get on with and leaving it to their subordinates again. Why the delegating powers didn’t get bored is one of the greater theological questions of the age. That and what question did the answer “42” belong to?

At this point it would probably be useful to discus momentarily the process and methods used to compile this document.

Perhaps the major thing that kept the Harbingers from overwhelming the earth entirely was that there is only so much deity possibility to go around and therefore many Harbingers actually worked in more than one tradition; some were simply used as Harbingers in different traditions, but there was a surprising number that did double duty as Harbinger and God, such as Surtr. Surtr is also Hephaestus, therefore working as a Norse Harbinger and god killer but also as a Greek God and maker of weapons to kill enemies of the gods; strangely enough no one ever brings up conflict of interest to Harbingers. Another limiting factor is that there really isn’t that many Harbingers to begin with; humanity is not quite as creative as it would like to think it is and never bothered overmuch with cleaning out their religious traditions, so that many just used whichever old god or story suited their particular needs.

There was also the powerful effect of the laws of Cosmic Absurdity, which were quite absurd and like all laws of comedy made to be broken; unfortunately no one had ever bothered overmuch with learning said laws and therefore they were a totally unpredictable, but important, factor in the Apocalypse. This oversight of the laws of cosmic absurdity first came to the attention of humanity during the Harbingers Council. Like most laws, it came to light when an intern at Light, Bringer, & Accosts Law Firm was doing research into a lawsuit against the firm; this particular intern, Sybil Eve Magdalene, was digging through an old bookshelf in the bosses’ office when she found a book that looked oddly new, much like how her Jazz textbook had looked when she was in college and realized she didn’t need to read it to pass the class. Miss Magdalene recognized a book that was bought because one couldn’t not buy it, but then never actually read if it could be avoided. That recognition might have lead her to put the book back, as no one wants to read that kind of book, except that this one was rather thin and the rest must have weighed more than her cat (who, incidentally, was named 666) and she needed to be seen reading something.

So Miss Magdalene began to try and read _The First and Final Volume of the Laws of Anti-action_ by Eddna, Homer, and Confuses, edited in this edition (the Last cent edition) by Robin Williams. Miss Magdalene was never the same.

[1] Even the building was gone. It had been blown off the face of the earth in an incident that is part of a complicated cover-up by the Plumbers Union; and may or may not have involved a large number of tumbleweed.

[2] In the Netherlands

[3] This particular argument was one the citizens of Kerkrade were well accustomed to, as a variant on it was the source of a ferocious feud with the nearby town of Herzogenrath (Germany) that had led to what was now known as the Battle of the Fair Potatoes and Beans.

[4] The placement of the council had been debated fiercely, but it was eventually agreed that the poles would be far too unhospitable even if they had nice symbolism, and that the home of the Atomic Clock was as good a place as any to watch, as it were, the clock tick out.

[5] See “Final Accord- man’s greatest achievement or greatest BS?”

[6] A large helping of embarrassment accompanied this, as Kalki couldn’t help but think about the amount of ribbing there would be from the other Harbingers when they all got together at the end of all things. And Vishnu would laugh his head off in that infuriatingly serene way. Needless to say, Kalki was not looking forward to that. On the other hand, the parade wasn’t too bad, especially after some kind person decided to give the “horse” alcohol.

[7] There were too many to keep track of which bird did what, and some of them had done freelancing work in the past which had left them contracted into more than one end of the world.

[8] A British game involving swinging the seeds of a horse chestnut tree at each other on strings until one breaks.


	5. 5. Laws of Cosmic Abserdity

_The Fifth Seal_

While the laws of Cosmic Absurdity were first beginning to expand into the human awareness in a law firm they were also, in the way of cosmic things, being prophesied in the mind of a young holy man, Solomon, who dreamt of them and awoke a different man. And in the way of absurd things, they were found in a pill bottle floating next to a falling bungee jumper; that one is beyond explanation. As is the fact that the man was no different than he had been before he bungee-jumped off a cliff into a volcano (inactive, but still) on a dare that was sponsored by Red Bull on the condition that he dress like Roman legionary, with garters to keep his clothing decent during the descent. Also, the pill bottle was not his.

All of these separate events could have gone unnoticed had it not been for the religious leaders of his church hearing about Solomon and his strange personality-changing dream. When Solomon was brought before the head of his church and left that revered mind quite confused, they decided to send him to the AC Harbingers Council; they figured that at the very least he couldn’t confuse matters more. They were wrong. Solomon arrived for the summit, all ready underway, accompanied by Miss Magdalene whom he had met in the airport where she was being put on a plane back to her family to see if that would “clear her head”; Solomon knew her immediately and would not leave the airport without her. They then ran into a bungee-jumper named Fred who gave them a ride away from pursuing escorts on his bicycle; it was during this startling car chase that the Laws of Cosmic Absurdity first reared their oddly colored metaphorical heads.

The testimony from Solomon’s escort: “I was walking behind Solomon, watching him talk to Miss Magdalene, who seemed like a good sort – though it made me worry about his vows, I tell you that! They were no more than arms’ reach ahead of me, like I was instructed, but I was never told why that was and so wasn’t paying much attention to them, never thought they could move that fast, even for young people! Anyway, they were walking ahead of me when out of nowhere this guy on a bicycle, in the airport! rides up next them and asks if they want a ride, which is odd, but they just leaps at him and somehow end up draped all over each other, I couldn’t tell limbs from limbs! And Solomon in robes and this bicycle guy looking Roman and Miss Magdalene in her neat little lawyer’s skirt and blouse and her hair all coming undone. Would have been quite the picture if it hadn’t been so odd! And off they went with me gaping like a fool at them before I called you to nab them.”

Transcript of police radio to Officer Saoshyant in pursuit car 21-20-21:

_21-20-21….. come in 21-20-21….._

This is 21-20-21, what seems to be the problem?

_We have a requested pursue and apprehend in from the airport…… you are the nearest officer, it is described as three young people riding a mountain bike, a young woman in nice clothing, red hair and brown eyes, two young men, one in religious dress, tallish, bald and green eyed, the other dressed as a Roman legionary, light-colored hair, blue eyes._

…….

_21-20-21?..... Are you there 21-20-21?_

… Yes, yes… um, on a bike? Three people on a bike and they need a car chase?

_The bike was going very fast._

….. copy that.

_They were last seen headed down 25 th and on to Sleipnir Dr. in the direction of the open-air mall…_

Right… in pursuit.

_We will remain on the line with you until you have them._

Someone important?........ I can’t see them yet…. No! Wait think I just saw them turn onto Mimir's lane…. Yes, that must be them… Good lord, how are they going that fast?

_21-20-21, can you describe them better?_

…. Ugh… not really no…. the girl is sitting on the handlebars and the…. Monk? seems to be hanging on the back by running on the wheel…… how the hell?! Damn, Damn!

_20-21-20 what is the problem?_

They just turned into a wall, it should have been a wall, only it wasn’t they just put in a window there and I have lost sight…. What the....?

_20-21-20?_

They just reappeared on the next side street over, Norn Blvd. That’s the OTHER side from where they went off!!

_20-21-20, we have called in reinforcements for you, they will flank you on side streets._

……….

_20-21-20, reinforcement cars should be with you now._

… Yeah, they’re here. Bike just pulled out in front of me again…. Now they are on the sidewalk, seem to be missing all pedestrians by good margin… They are leaping out of the way but no one is hurt yet that I can tell… uhh… Great… what the? I am not in a Key Stones cops movie…. or a Charlie Chaplin one either, damn it!

_20-21-20?_

They went under construction workers with a board…. and then up a down escalator... wait, I may be able to get them here…. They’re stuck… shite… never mind they’re off again.

_20-21-20, remain in pursuit if you can._

I AM…… shuggjjhkkk….

_20-21-20? Are you all right?_

I … I just drove through a pie stand… it was full of custard pie…. there wasn’t one there before….. I’d rather deal with the ducks! cshdflksdkjfh8ewqldn;jn;

Unfortunately, Officer Saoshyant ran into a pile of banana peels that got under the wheels of his car, causing it to spin out into a joke shop; luckily he managed to escape with nothing more than a minor concussion. In fact he was the only person injured in the entire incident; it was extremely lucky. Solomon, Fred, and Miss Magdalene turned up in the morning at the AC convention center looking no worse for the wear and a little confused; well, not Fred, who looked interested. Local news channels took up the story, followed by the international press, and that day they were international names and celebrities; they had a lot going for them, all attractive and lively looking, young, a crazy introduction (videos of the chase were all over the internet, it looked surprisingly coordinated at times, like a Charlie Chaplin routine and Olympic figure skating mash-up), and the mystery of what they were doing at the Harbingers Council.

For their part the reverend body of the Harbingers Council was utterly unsure of what to do with this strange manifestation of apocalyptic lunacy; not the least because they were just as confused to be there as anyone. Until, abruptly, they weren't; the flash of divine intervention allowed this meaningful and important speech:

Fred: “Dear reverend body of the Harbingers Council, we come before you today” (“In this the end of days” hissed interjection) “In this the end of days to bring to you” (“the word of those that stand on high”) “the word of those who stand on high as they have imparted it to us in their infinite humor.” (“wisdom! Wisdom!”) “infinite wisdom. We stand before you as messengers of the great HP” (“Higher powers! you can’t use acronyms!” “I don’t know, I kind of like it, like we are saying Harry Potter.” “Oh, dear HP save me!” “See, even you use it!”) “or Higher Powers or Harry Potter, as you see fit to be the dispenser of divine wisdom. Personally I like it being a great supercomputer calculating the odds of life….” (“Fred!”)

However and Whoever we got or were given the information we are about to give you, let it be known that this is the first official confirmation of the Apocalypse!”[1]

And the world was never the same.

Already the Apocalypse had deeply affected the global psyche but this, the first word from above that the big kaboom was on, was a different matter. Knowing that it is the end of the world and being told flat out by God’s messenger are very different things; this pronouncement was fallowed by a great silence heard around the world. What now? The End of Days was officially on but what now? There was no rain of fire yet (this was really beginning to be a problem; in fact several governments were seriously considering sending fighter jets to drop Molotov cocktails on expandable parts of their countries), there was no great rending of the earth, there wasn’t even a good plague of locust (though the Waterfowl almost made up for that, almost). How was Humanity to react to an Apocalypse that the gods refused to give them? How? It was then that Initiative Ragnrock was born.

[1] The rest of their message was never really explained, and none of them seemed all that worried about passing on what had been their primary directive; it seemed like a lot of work, and anyway this made a more dramatic speech. Thus the Laws of Cosmic Absurdity were once again forgotten and left to gather dust, just as had the handbook to them: _The First and Final Volume of the Laws of Anti-action_ by Eddna, Homer, and Confuses, edited in this edition (the Last cent edition) by Robin Williams, was left untouched in Satan’s office after he was given his copy at the first deity-cosmic powers convention. It was a gigantic occasion and getting so may of them together for the first time when they were all young enough to make trouble was not, maybe, a great idea; the universe ended up having to be restarted after they caused what was called by mortals “The Big Bang”. The second convention went better, at least a little; the Universe didn’t get restarted but they did manage to wipe out all life on earth. It was too bad, as the dinosaurs really were better than all later attempts.


	6. 6. Initiative Ragnrock

_The Sixth Seal_

The greatest achievement of Humanity, the most powerful example of the human capacity for reason, the transcendent exaltation of the indomitable Human Spirit, the everlasting gift of Humanity’s bravery to the Universe, the glory of Humanity’s willpower in all its glory – Initiative Ragnrock was said to be all of these things and more. Mostly it was just a government in desperation supplied with lots of good alcohol.

The debate as to the origin of Initiative Ragnrock is one that has been vigorously run into the ground, almost as much as the “Who wrote Shakespeare?” debate of past years.[1] The two major theories are as follows: 1. the Germans came up with the original idea, and 2. the Australians (and two Swedish women) thought it up. But for all that, we do not know the origin of Initiative Ragnrock[2] What we do know is what it later meant; even though records from this time are spotty at best this, one document we have in perfect condition, untouched by waterfowl.

The document was added to the Final Accord as an addendum – because even the Apocalypse does not stop paperwork. The document is not as well-written as historians would like (waterfowl maybe?); it contains three major sections, each with subsections, and is startlingly short. The first section looks as though it were the author attempted to write it in the legalese of all government documents, but this appears to have fallen apart by the time the second section was written, and the third makes no attempt at formality and seems to have been written by drunk monkeys.

One section was written about each of the committees created by Initiative Ragnrock to deal with the Apocalypse. However, before we continue it would be advantageous to explain the Declaration of Initiative Ragnrock, as follows:

“Even though it is now confirmed that the Apocalypse is on, there remains a distinct dearth of truly apocalyptic events, and Humanity refuses to exit with a whimper! If the Higher Powers refuse to supply us with an Apocalypse worthy of Humanity’s greatness, Humanity shall seek out its own Apocalypse! We shall not go gently into that good night, and if we must supply our own fiery conflagration we shall do so with the song of liberty and greatness in our hearts. We shall not be brought down to be less than we are because of some predestined fate; from this time forward Humanity makes its own path! We take the Apocalypse into our own hands! And with Initiative Ragnrock we will do so with the spirit of international cooperation and shared paperwork; it is to this end that we have set up three committees, each headed by a Nation voted into that position, dedicated to an Apocalypse worthy of Humanity. The first committee, headed by Sweden and Australia in joint control, is the Mythic committee, dedicated to searching out the mystical powers that have denied us our Apocalypse and demanding from them satisfaction! They will provide us with an Apocalypse even if we must take it by force!

The second committee, headed by Japan and Germany in joint control, is the Nature committee. For years we have been threatened by the possibility of Nature’s anger, for years we have sought to appease Nature with increasing laws to protect her sanctity and prevent global warming. No longer! We will do what we must to see that Nature destroys us in the full fury that we know to belong to her and her alone; as she is our mother, so too shall she be our executioner. For destruction at her will and by her forces is an end worthy of Humanity! 

The third committee, headed by America and Russia with North Korea as consultant, is the Dystopia committee. An Apocalypse from the Gods is worthy of Humanity, an Apocalypse from Nature is right and fitting, but perhaps nothing is more apt and meaningful than an Apocalypse from Humanity itself! We shall seek to create an Apocalypse so total that no dystopia shall ever be created, we shall settle for nothing less than the annihilation of all life on Earth. For years has Humanity written of a post-apocalyptic society, but there shall be none! We shall not settle for less than the certainty that the Earth shall be blown to tiny bits that shall be dispersed among the stars to carry the history of our greatness forth unto the Universe.”

It can be argued that Initiative Ragnrock is a testament to Humanity’s unending defiance and fierce independence; Humanity chose to go down fighting, and there is a sort of poetic beauty in that. Still, it should be noted that the Higher Powers, such as they were, did not see it the same way. They were in fact so deeply bemused and confused by Humanity’s decision to seek out their own Apocalypse[3] that they underestimated Humanity’s determination to seek them out and became careless. It was this carelessness that led to many a close call for the Higher Powers, as Humanity’s ability to locate them and then interact in the separate plane on which they lived came as a complete shock. In all fairness it came as a shock not merely to the Higher Powers but also to Humanity.

It became clear to the Higher Powers that their decision to send down their Apostles, which started as a great joke, had not, perhaps, been the brightest choice. For now that they were given divine inspiration Solomon, Fred, and Miss Magdalene used it freely to further Initiative Ragnrock; perhaps the greatest mistake that the Higher Powers made was that in their carelessness while playing a prank upon Humanity they had accidentally infused the Apostles not just with divine inspiration but also with divine humor, a dangerous thing for anything to possess but especially the weak mind of a mortal body which it could corrupt irrevocably.

So it was that the Apostles became heavily involved in Initiative Ragnrock, not because of any particular belief in the mission but because they were, quite simply, too confused to know what else to do. The Higher Powers had created the Apostles without purpose, which is something Apostles cannot stand, so in lieu of divine direction the Apostles bumbled about creating impossible mind-bending events and sowing confusion amongst the Secretaries attempting to create the appropriate paperwork – which is perhaps the reason that the final sections of the paperwork for Initiative Ragnrock are in such disarray. Some things are beyond even divine understanding and the confusion that the Apostles sowed every time they spoke, or indeed acted in any way[4], is one of those things. Because of this there were events like Lucifer, calmly minding his own business, being set upon by groups of humans wearing Halloween costumes and wielding butterfly nets while singing _100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall_ ; Lucifer only barely escaped and was forever scarred by the experience, so that any time thereafter that someone hummed the tune from _100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall_ he would be overcome by a panic attack and vanish into a disorienting cloud of butterflies. The other Higher Powers found this hysterical right up until they were set upon by their own groups of improbable humans, at which point they formed a support group for fear of humanity.

While the Mythic committee was involved in attempting to catch a Higher Power the other committees busily set about creating and enacting plans of their own – it was commonly agreed that if at all possible, a three-way Apocalypse should be created to ensure that the utter annihilation of Humanity was not done halfway. Let it not be said that in their final hour, Humanity did things halfway.

The Nature committee was confronted with one major obstacle: time. How to create a natural disaster large enough to be apocalyptic in the shortest timeframe possible? They were hindered in this because in recent years, laws for environmental protection had been enacted that were not substantial enough to ensure humanity’s continuing existence, but were enough to set back the Apocalypse for a couple of years – years the Nature committee did not have. Their Apocalypse must be created as swiftly as possible. Not only was Humanity impatient to go up in a blaze of glory right this moment, but if it took too long they would fall behind the other committees in Initiative Ragnrock and miss their chance to be part of creating the Apocalypse. The first meeting was a long one. The first agreed-upon action, which was decided in the first five minutes, was enacted with as much swiftness as possible: every nation would rescind every environmental law enacted ever and every factory and environmentally harmful practice was to be commenced at the largest volume of possible. Never mind that the products that many of these factories created were unnecessary in such large quantities and would simply go to waste; the point was not the product but the production. It was something the nations came together on and everyone contributed everything they could to ensure that these factories would work to the fullest capacity possible. This had the side effect of destroying the global economy utterly, which the Dystopian committee found quite useful.

But the Nature committee knew that this was not enough. It might have been enough in five years, but Humanity did not have that time. Something must be done immediately to provoke Nature into smiting Humanity utterly from the face of the Earth. Drills were launched to poke holes in ancient volcanoes, fracking equipment was repurposed to create intentional earthquakes, California was blasted loose in order to fall into the ocean and create the largest tidal wave possible, explosives were set along the fault lines of the world, and toxic waste was dumped in dramatic quantities in every orifice of the Earth that could be found. Even if this was not enough to prompt an Apocalypse, it was certainly beginning to create Hell on Earth.

The Dystopian committee had perhaps the easiest time of it, since all they needed to do was stockpile atomic weapons in gigantic quantities. Every World War III plan ever devised was brought to the table and combined to create one global death system. Automatic bombing systems were created everywhere they could be so that Humanity didn’t need to push any buttons to ensure that no one survived, not even a button pusher. Nations came together to carefully plan out distribution of bombs and missiles to the most populated areas and anywhere they might have the most dramatic damage. It was curiously simple for Humanity to plan annihilation at

its own hand. Soon their plans were in place; while they waited for the other

committees to bring their results to the table they focused their considerable combined powers on creating as many atomic bombs and missiles as possible.

Initiative Ragnrock was well on its way.

[1] Though that question was mostly put to bed with the discovery of a document of impeachable origin that attested that Shakespeare’s plays were written by a comity made up of a group of Franciscan Friars, two extraterrestrials, and Sir Francis Bacon’s cocker spaniel - it was a very well-bred cocker spaniel.

[2] A new, persuasive theory holds that it was started, like World War I, in a global bar fight, only, more literally. There was a very good bar fight right around this time in which representatives of almost all the nations in the world were involved, in some manner.

[3] It should be noted that there were certain parties that protested vehemently against Initiative Ragnrock, the Mormon Church being perhaps the largest of these groups, with the argument that Humanity should go down fighting, but fighting to live, not fighting to die. They argued that there was no greatness in seeking Death, no matter how glorious, and the will to live shone more brightly than the determination to die, even in Glory. Needless to say the overwhelming roar baffled furor drowned out their voices.

[4] They eventually had a tendency to make any event they were present at begin to feel like a Marx Brothers movie crossed with a silent film noir, which was quite disorienting at first when people were still trying to make things make sense but became eventually one of those things that happened, like the waterfowl and the fact that one sock always went missing in the dryer.


	7. 7. The End of The World

_The Seventh Seal_

In the end the success of Initiative Ragnroc@&(#^(H MCPpsdu[g


End file.
